I wrote about Weymouth and Portland 6 weeks after arriving in the UK on my old blog, it deserves a repost purely for the pirate conversations.
We decided to go on a drive the opposite way down (well up really) the coast of England which I haven’t seen yet. We ended up in Weymouth then Portland before making our way back again. It was a lovely day out as I hadn’t seen Nigel since going away to Surrey, Bath and Bristol so a fair bit of catching up to do.
I introduced Nigel to Subway, he’s never had it before so it was about time he had to try it. Plus as much as I love a bacon and egg fry up, there’s only so many a person can have in short space of time. I swear I’ve eaten more bacon and eggs in the last 6 weeks than I had in the entire 30 years I’ve lived previously. I was going to say I’ll turn into bacon and eggs soon but I am just asking for it calling myself a pig and an egg, though with the way I eat chippies and chocolate one could debate that I can be somewhat of a pig sometimes, and I’m not even going to go into what will happen if I call myself an egg.
Weymouth reminded me a little bit of Dartmouth with the boats and the river leading out to sea, very pretty and beautiful views walking along the river up to the breakwaters. There were old ships, little yachts, dinghies and modern boats, a patchwork of boats if you will. My favourite was the wooden ship that reminded me of a small pirate ship. Kind of made me wish I was a pirate, I think I would of made an excellent pirate. Well mostly. Probably not when it came to confrontation however. But how often do pirates get into confrontations really?
A Pirate Conversation:
Other pirate: ‘Ahoy there matey, is that treasure I spy on ye deck?’
Jem pirate: ‘Aye matey it is’ ‘
Other pirate brandishes sword
Jem pirate: ‘arrr take it all! And can I interest you in a joke? Maybe a pirate pick up line? Why are pirates called pirates?’
Other pirate looks at Jem pirate blankly
Jem pirate: ‘Because they just arrrr!’
Tumble weed blows through the ship
Jem pirate (slightly suggestively): ‘Well call me a landlubber, cause I’m about to plunder ye Treasure Island’
Other pirate grabs the treasure and quickly disappears down the deck and into the distance
Jem pirate (sadly): ‘arrr she never works matey, time for a new pick up line’
This would be a very similar conversation if I was policewoman but with cop jokes and pick up lines substituted obviously. Sadly, I have actually thought about this an awful lot
Jem cop: ‘Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?’
An intimidating man with facial tattoos and really big arms: ‘You tell me?’
Jem cop (tries not to show fear, they can smell it): ‘So I could tell you this joke! What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest!’
Intimidating man looks slightly annoyed by babbling cop
Jem cop retreats back to the car: ‘As you were’
Also I’m a bit of a soft spot as the next scene will demonstrate.
Cue next scene:
Jem cop: ‘Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?’
Really cute little old lady: ‘Oh sorry dear, I can’t see very well and I couldn’t see the speedo’
Jem cop (feels like putting the little old lady in her pocket and taking her home because she’s just so gosh darn cute and grandmotherly): ‘Aw that’s ok, you just carry on. Just try to watch out for the white cars, they are hard to spot in the distance’
People would probably get sick of me if I was a cop as well because I would greet everyone with, ‘Hi, my name is Jem, policed to meet you!’ I had a field day when my last name was Guest. The possibilities were endless.
I’ve had pretty much these exact conversations with someone in real life, I told my favourite anti joke to a friends friend on first meeting. Let’s just say I didn’t make the best first impression and we didn’t form a life long friendship, or even a night long friendship. Or a 10 minute one either as a matter of fact. It went along the lines of this:
Me ‘I always remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket’
Girl looks at me slightly oddly
Me: ‘I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?’
Girl looks at me blankly
Me: ‘Get it? It’s like a joke but it’s not a joke. An anti joke if you will.’
Tumble weed blows by
Me thinking I had better redeem myself: ‘A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left because they saw the potential danger in the situation.’
Girl looks around desperately
Me trying to save the situation: ‘What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint! Ha!’
Girl looks at me like I had a second head
I try to maintain as much dignity as possible and swim off rather gracefully (as much as you can whilst doggy paddling)
Back on track:
Anyway let’s get back on track. Weymouth, it is very pretty and piratesque. And to make the pirate fantasy even better there is a castle at the entrance of the river which could totally hold treasure. After Weymouth, we made our way back to Portland. We ended up on a big hill and you could see right the way down Chesil Beach, which is apparently the longest beach in England (18 miles long, 15 metres tall and 200 metres wide) and is just shingle. Imagine walking right the way along that beach in bare feet. I dare you to try it. You could also see Weymouth where we had just been.
So naturally, a few shots with the camera were in order then Nigel wanted to see the prison so we set out to find it. We came along a hill that had a house literally built into it. It is either very cleverly camouflaged and spies live there, a hobbit lives there or the hill decided to claim back its land. Maybe someone just wanted to build a house in a hill. Or it could have loads of underground tunnels and an underground village could reside there. Who knows? Probably someone but not me. I personally like the idea of a spy living there in a secret underground village filled with other spies and agencies. Rather exciting really! I think I would make an amazing spy.
Bad guy to other bad guy: ‘Did you hear that? I think someone is following us’
Jem spy trips over a stone on the path and cries out ‘Fuck!’
On our way to find the prison we came across a children’s petting farm. It is seriously the least inviting petting farm in existence. It looked like a prison with high fences and get this, wire across the top. I mean really? Really?! Who wants to break into a farm and steal sheep? Or goats? In fact, the prison looked more inviting than the farm. It was on top of the hill with nearly 360-degree views of the sea. Lush! Well aside from the fact that you would be surrounded by hundreds of fairly dangerous people. And bars. And barbed wire.
Anywho I had better sign off before I get started on a new tangent that is as completely irrelevant as the tangents in this post.
If you have any pirate or cop pick up lines, be sure to leave them in the comments. I will add them to my repertoire which desperately needs expanding.
Till next time